Not another teen RemusSirius slash fic
by incurably insane
Summary: Ok, there are quite a few RLSB fics that are actually quite good, but this is a parody for those other 6 million that aren't. My favourite (or most hated) parts of every RS fic I've ever read, all rolled into one ginormous abomination. Flamers are greeted


DISCLAIMER - I don't own anything ESPECIALLY not the plot. That I nicked from about 5 million other stories.  
  
Some of the R/S slash fics ive read are actually good - I'm just writing this to put across my view of those ones that REALLY annoy me so no offence to anyone.  
  
Not another teen R/S slash fic  
  
Remus Lupin sat in history of magic class staring at Sirius with his eyes goggling, mouth hung open and a long chain of saliva hanging from his chin. He had been in love with Sirius since he had first met him on the Hogwarts express six years ago despite being only eleven years old at the time. Unfortunately, Sirius was an extremely straight womaniser who had had every girl in the school twice and was now up for round three. (Sorry - did that sound familiar? That might be the opening paragraph to many stories I 'accidentally' nicked)  
  
"***" Said Sirius, saying some highly offensive, chauvinistic, racist, sexist, ageist, degrading remark. The whole class burst into laughter and the girls all drooled. In any other circumstance he would have been slapped, arrested and shut up in Azkaban for the rest of his life. But he wasn't, so there.  
  
**Sirius' POV**  
  
Defying the laws of nature, science, ethics, gravity and anything else there are laws on, I, for the sake of irritating, ironic coincidence have fallen in love with Remus. The fact that I have always been the straightest straight person in the whole long history of straight people is completely irrelevant as I am perfectly happy to suddenly turn around, grin at all the girls I've previously shagged and decide that I'm gay after all.  
  
I looked over at him; he looked so handsome staring at me with his eyes goggling, mouth open and drool hanging from his chin. What a shame he didn't fancy me - the person every man-loving git in the world is in love with. I sighed. How could I explain to Remus how much I wanted to be his? Hmm - I could do it the normal way and tell him! Nope that's no good. I KNOW! I have no creative/musical/vocal talent whatsoever - I could write him a song! Yeah and I'll sing it in front of ALL the Gryffindors who are bound to take the mickey forever and completely humiliate the one I love. Excellent!  
  
**~Gryffindor common room~**  
  
Remus sat in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room reading a book by Jane Austen (who else???). All of a sudden Sirius bounded down the stairs like a deranged chimpanzee. For some reason he was wearing very tight leather trousers that would have, in any normal case, restricted bouncing abilities slightly - but still.  
  
The pureblood, clueless-about-muggles boy then picked up a mike that materialized from nowhere and shouldn't have really been able to work because apparently you can't use muggle devices in Hogwarts. He then began to sing VERY BADLY a muggle song whose writers aren't born until about twenty years after this fic is set.  
  
The entire Gryffindor common room burst into laughter as the two boys hugged and kissed. "Why are you crying?" Asked Sirius.  
  
Remus shrugged. "No bloody idea - it's what I always do."  
  
"OH - MY - GOD!" Lily ran forward. "I've known you two were gay ever since I met you!"  
  
Remus and Sirius looked like they'd just been slapped. "Huh?"  
  
"Even though Sirius has always been a total womaniser that can't put girls down for three seconds, I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS GAY. And Remus - you've never given the slightest indication you have a sexual preference, or in fact anything sexual at all - I always knew you were gay too."  
  
They both looked downcast.  
  
"I've seen the way you look at each other, if you're angry with each other you look like this," She pulled an angry face. "And if-"  
  
"Remypoo!" Mary-Sue, an American transfer student from Salem Witch Academy threw her arms around Remus. "I just want to know that I'm totally ok with everything and that I'll support you no matter what." Remus nodded at her blankly and wondered how the hell she managed to fit into the story.  
  
"Oy!" James and Peter waded their way through the hysterical crowd.  
  
"You know." Said James. "I'm completely ok with this. Despite the fact that two of my friends have just hung, drawn and quartered the laws of probability, BOTH turned out to be gay, and then decided they love each other, IM - TOTALLY - OK."  
  
"Muah ha ha ha ha!" Said Peter and gave an evil, knowing look to one side that for some reason nobody noticed.  
  
Suddenly there was a loud 'pop' and a newly toned and suddenly beautiful-looking Hermione, looking like a cross between J.Lo and Jennifer Anniston appeared, accompanied by a suddenly hunky looking Ron that had become good looking over night and a hubba-hubba-ding Harry. "Hi!"  
  
"Who are you?" Asked James, missing the fact that him and Harry were almost identical.  
  
"OH!" Exclaimed Hermione eying Sirius and Remus snogging. "I think we're in the wrong fic - this isn't the trio and a time turner meet the marauders parody fic is it?"  
  
They all shook their heads.  
  
"Sorry." Said Ron and they disappeared again.  
  
Remus grabbed Sirius, hauled him up to the dormitory, pulled his trousers down and immediately started servicing him.  
  
"Ooh yay whooptedoo more." Said Sirius in ecstasy.  
  
"Hang on." Said Remus stopping suddenly. "You're supposed to be the dominant one."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"That's how we ALWAYS do it." He explained. "Even though I'm a werewolf and probably have these alpha-male instincts somewhere, you're supposed to do me and I'M the one that begs for it."  
  
"Oh - ok." Said Sirius.  
  
Years and years and years and years later.  
  
"I KNEW IT!" Yelled Harry to Remus. "Even though I've know you for less than five years and have spent most of that time talking about myself and knowing bugger all about you, I've always known you and Sirius were gay!"  
  
Remus looked very put out again.  
  
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Ok, first things first, NO OFFENCE to ANYONE. These eyesores just irritate me.  
  
Remus and Sirius are a close number 4 on my most disgusting hp couples chart.  
  
Number 3 is Remus / Hermione Number 2 is Hermione / Percy Number 1 is Dobby / Kreacher  
  
Granted nobody's actually done a dobby/kreacher but that's just as well really. No flamers. Well yeah actually I spose u can flame cos this WAS a mick take - so do wateva u want.  
  
Oh and by the way, I am NOT homophobic. One of my best mates is gay - not that I'm sure what that proves, but still, no flamers saying that please, 'cos it really will piss me off. 


End file.
